GotHairyCrabs?: Guangzhou (Day 29): "I Want That One!"

... shouts the wifey, as she points to the biggest thing-a-ma-jiggy in the store.

"That one?" I ask in stark perplexity.

"That one." she states with determined confidence.

Great. I guess we're getting that one. I don't even know what the heck "that one" is supposed to be, but: 1) it's huge, 2) it's shaped like a giant pineapple, 3) it's huge 4) it's made of tiny pieces of gold paper, 5) it's huge 6) it probably took some old lady or young child days to make it, and 7) we're gonna set it on fire. [huh huh huh... fire!] No, not because we're a bunch of pyros, but because we're on our way up to Lianhua Shan (Lotus Mountain) to see the giant, 134-foot statue of Kwan Yin -- the Goddess of Mercy, and we need to bring an offering.

But right now, we're in a town called Panyu, located somewhere along the Pearl River Delta between Jiangmen and Guangzhou. The road to the sacred spot is lined with tiny shops filled to the ceiling with incense and charms, joss sticks of every size, joss paper of every shape, and swarms of little old village ladies vying for our business. It almost feels as if we're some ah-moo rock stars as hordes of them mob the car as we drive up. Apparently, this is the area to go for buying things to burn.

In Chinese religion, it's customary to give an offering by burning it so that it is "transferred" to the heavens. The giant golden pineapple the wifey has chosen represents a big offering of gold. That's a whole lotta bling. Anyhoo, we're standing in this one store, and I'm thinking one errant cigarette and this whole neighborhood is going up in flames. Luckily for them, none of us smoke.

As the wifey is picking out the biggest joss paper gold offering in the world, the other ah-moo merchants are looking on in jealousy. Not to be outdone, Pui Yee chooses one just as big... along with some giant joss sticks that are literally as tall as I am. Awesome. Only problem is... how are we gonna stuff all this in the car? Luckily for us, our little ah-moo merchant is resourceful (and China's moving violation laws are virtually non-existent) as two big ass pineapple thingys and four overgrown joss sticks jut out of every orifice of the car. Hmm. Now there's a sight you don't see everyday. Even in China.

As we endure the endless pointing and staring, we finally arrive at the site only to face a new dilemma: how to get the stuff from the parking lot to the statue itself. Hmm. Solution: you ever see those old ladies in Chinatown lugging around two big bags of empty soda cans on each end of a stick placed over their shoulders? Yeah well, nevermind how it looks. It works.

Anyhoo, the statue itself is pretty amazing, situated on top of a hill overlooking a long set of stairs and a fantastic view of the Pearl River. Despite the beautiful scenery, I'm busy trying to light these giant ass joss sticks. These suckers are heavy, and as I'm dipping them into the fire pit, I'm praying I don't set myself ablaze. I'm thinking once I get them lit, it's not like I can blow out the flames like I would with regular incense. It'd be like trying to blow out a torch. Great. And how am I gonna stick these things into the incense holder? It'd be like driving a stake into the ground. Somehow, thankfully, the flames subside, the joss sticks stay firmly planted, and I'm not burnt to a crisp.

Meanwhile, Pui Yee is showing the wifey the proper way to make a wish, say a prayer, and make an offering. After the girls pay their respects, Dai Lum and I take the giant pineapples to the furnace, set a lighter to them,

and watch these puppies gloriously burn. With the scent of the joss sticks burning, soft music playing in the background, and the sun setting behind Kwan Yin, the scene is actually quite breathtaking; my inner zen at peace. My inner pyro, however, giddy like a schoolgirl.

Random Stuff:
Today, we're cruising the PRD. Is that something ghetto fabulous like the LBC? Not quite. It's more ghetto FOBulous like the Pearl River Delta. Here's some of the highlights:

We start off with lunch in Jiangmen at this restaurant by the river. We get our own private room, but as we turn on the AC, a whole bunch of tiny dead gnats come raining down on us and the food. I guess the air conditioning hadn't been turned on in a while. Pretty gross. Oooh, Pui Yee and Dai Lum were so pissed. They demanded a new room, new food, and pretty much berated the whole village staff. I'm thinking... great, now they're gonna spit in our food. Instead of gnat carcasses, we're gonna get some village loogie. Yum.
We stop in a city called Shunde for a snackie break at this joint famous for it's milk. They have every dish you can imagine made with milk... double skinned milk, fried milk, milk based flavoring in a jar, milk with some sort of nuts. Yes, it sounds dirty, but it's pretty good. Maybe it's all the melamine.
Stopping at Panyu for the giant pineapple thingys. All the stuff we get only costs ¥108 [$16]. They're charging ¥668 [$103] at the stores at the base of the statue. What a ripoff!
At Lianhua Shan, there's a blessing tree, where you can write down your wish on a piece of red cloth and throw it up into the tree. If it catches onto a branch, then your wish will come true. If it falls to the ground, then you're pretty much screwed. The whole tree is covered with the red ribbons of wishes and is quite nice to see. We spend the next half an hour tossing back up other people's wishes that have fallen to the ground.
As we approach Guangzhou, Dai Lum decides to show us a newly built animal-themed hotel called Chime Long Safari Resort. It's a 5-star hotel that's a cross between Sigfried and Roy's Secret Garden in Vegas and Gaston's house from Beauty and the Beast. There are lions roaming in the atrium, taxidermy as decor, and a giant chandelier made of antlers. Kinda like Vegas, but a tad bit tackier.
Dinner is at this fancy restaurant in Guangzhou called Fisher Village. Ok, imagine going into Steinhardt Aquarium, looking at all the fishies and sea creatures in the tanks, picking out the ones you like, and then having them served up on a plate. This place is crazy... and huge. On one side of the restaurant are tables. On the other is what literally looks like an aquarium you'd pay admission to go into. There's everything from mudworms, to giant snails, to puffer fish, to horseshoe crabs, to snakes, to 6-foot alligators in a cage. Anything that suits your palette, they'll butcher and cook it up. Talk about fresh. Sheesh. Too bad I'm not feeling too adventurous today. I think the water cockroaches kinda ruined it for me. Ugh.
Finally, we reach our hotel in Guangzhou. The China Hotel is supposed to be pretty fancy, and luckily for us, it's a Marriott. Woo hoo! Another FoC [Friend of Cindy] benefit. I'm just glad to be back in a place with a seated toilet. Now I can take a crap whenever the hell I want. Ahh, what a luxury.